The words of my father came out of my mouth. Almost verbatim and for the same reason.
Our son was speaking to his younger brother in a condescending and disrespectful way.
For example, the younger brother would ask, “What is that?”
Heavy sigh. “You don’t know what that is?!” with a raised voice. More examples followed. Impatience dripped off the tongue.
He had just spent a lot of time with a friend, a friend who yells at his siblings in anger and speaks to them unkindly, without much fear of punishment.
I told him that, in this house, we do not speak to each other that way. I know so-and-so speaks to his family that way, but we do not. If his behavior rubs off on you again, I have no problem making sure you no longer spend time together.
Deja vu hit me like a sudden clot in the brain. My father told me something almost exactly the same when I was my son’s age. I tended to treat my younger sister gruffly after spending time at a friend’s house. My father said he had no problem ending that friendship for me if I didn’t straighten up.
Peer influence
Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
1 Corinthians 15:33
It’s one thing to mentally assent to this truth, and it’s another to see it in action, on high-definition IMAX, with the sound shaking your eardrums like a baby with its first rattle. Peer influence matters. It matters a lot.
Why the warning to “not be deceived?” Easy. Because we are so easily deceived. We think we are above it all, above the weakness of the flesh. In fact, we influence them. And for good, not evil.
This naivety extends to our children. Surely, they will influence others for good. Candles in the dark, cities on a hill, and all that good Bible-sounding stuff. People really do send their little sheep out among wolves, thinking the sheep will either be unsullied or turn the carnivores into vegetarians.
But bad company corrupts good morals.
Yes, there is influence for good, but that is far rarer and requires courage and practice. Even then, do not be deceived. Whatever attitude carries the majority will eventually be the attitude of the entire friend group. Peer influence is a democratic, winner-take-all system.
The best way to improve someone’s character is to surround them with people who exemplify that character quality. It works almost every time.
Peer influence affects school performance, drug use, social behavior, and more. This influence is partly why education and discipline are not a private, mind-your-own-business affair. How your neighbors train their children can impact your own children. We are not atomistic individuals, and we are not atomistic families.
You can choose their friends
Not only can a father choose the friends of his children, but it is his responsibility to do so. Cutting people off or refusing to let them go to certain houses is not tyranny. It’s stewardship. It can certainly rise to the level of tyranny, but it is not tyrannical by definition.
If you saw them about to swallow a poisonous mushroom, you would bat it out of their hands. Bad company is just as dangerous.
Cultivate your children’s friends like a sommelier cultivates a collection of fine wine.
As they get older, you must offer explanations and rationale. They will soon be able to choose their own friends, and you want them to learn how to choose wisely.
None of this works if you haven’t cultivated a solid culture in your own home. A place where they belong. A place where they know who they are, regardless of whatever else is happening on the outside. A place where they are more important than the random kid down the street. A place where they know they will be loved no matter what, so they are not desperate for the approval of strangers.
If you’re a blowhard about everything else, they’ll assume you’re just being a blowhard about their friends. Learn to say “yes” more, and your “no” will have far more weight.
You are their first “peer”
Never forget yourself. Your children’s first behaviors will be modeled after you. Everything they do that you find annoying, they learned from you. Never forget that.
Don’t be deceived. Bad company corrupts good morals. Especially if that bad company is the father or mother.