5 Ways Father's Fail at Early Childhood Discipline
And ways to correct them before it's too late.
Many fathers have a learned helplessness when it comes to the behavior of their children. They have resigned themselves to a losing battle and fight from a constant rearguard position, always in retreat, always fearful of a negative reaction. The child knows the song and dance and knows that, in the end, he will get his way. Every time.
The father might think that nothing works anyway, so why fight? Why make a scene?
Many people become gentle parents at this point, because it’s easier to pretend their abdication is intentional rather than from despair and exhaustion. They can keep their pride intact. But the child, though he gets what he wants (on the surface), feels abandoned and unloved.
“There are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
Oscar Wilde
The quote rings true because most people want the wrong things, and so the wanting is better than the having. And so it is with the child. Externally, he often wants the wrong things. But in reality, he is begging for boundaries and positive attention, and not getting those is a true tragedy.
Here are some of the biggest mistakes fathers make early in a child’s life. Each one compounds and conspires to create brats and seemingly helpless parents.
Discipline Doesn’t Start Early Enough
Discipline should start early in a child’s life, from the moment they can move around on their own power. They need boundaries, and they need loving parents to enforce those boundaries. Sometimes, literal boundaries.
Crawling introduces all sorts of opportunities to practice, while associating enforcement with the word “no.” If a child reaches for an outlet, for example, smack the hand and say “no” in a deep voice. Then redirect. You can always follow up with snuggles and tickles.
Discipline Is Only Done In Anger
The father spanks only when furious, when his patience has been worn thin, and not when it's warranted. The child learns that dad's anger is the real authority, not the rule itself. Discipline becomes unpredictable, and unpredictable discipline is cruel.
You know the scene. You’ve seen it or played your part in it several times.
“Stop throwing the ball in the house.”
Throws ball.
“I said stop throwing the ball in the house!”
Throws ball some more.
“What did I tell you? Stop throwing the ball!”
Throws ball, this time knocking over a lamp and breaking it.
“WHAT DID I SAY!” The father, now enraged, spanks the child in anger, at risk of actually harming him. What lesson is learned? Don’t make Dad angry. Tiptoe around him. Be careful. Disobey, but hide it.
But if the father had disciplined after the first infraction, the child would have learned the proper lesson, which leads into the next one.
They Give Commands They Aren’t Prepared To Enforce
Every unenforced command teaches your child that your words are optional. Give fewer direct commands. Mean every single word. If you give a command, be prepared to enforce it if they don’t obey. Immediately.
Demanding this of yourself means you should measure your words carefully. Don’t toss them around. They should have power. Don’t unload a long list of commands all at once and expect perfect obedience. The child might not remember them all, and you might not either. Even if the child wants to obey, you have set them up for failure.
Let’s go with a classic one every parent has probably struggled with. “Put your shoes on, it’s time to go.”
Ten minutes later, the shoes still aren’t on. Maybe you have stated the command at least 3 other times. The child learns that you only mean something if you say it at least three times.
Say it once. If after 30 seconds, the shoes are not on, or they are not in the act of putting them on, discipline. That could mean a spanking, or it could mean grounding them from whatever they were playing with at the time.
There’s another tragic flip side to this. If your children know that you don’t actually mean your commands, they will treat all of your other words with the same weight. Your promises will mean nothing. Your declarations of love are as light as feathers. They know you don’t mean what you say, because you have proved it to them over and over.
They Wait Too Long Between the Offense and the Consequence
A toddler cannot connect a punishment five minutes later to what he did five minutes ago. You have seconds. Anything more creates confusion. Early on, you must be prepared to enforce every single command and to enforce it immediately. Do not leave any room for confusion.
Don’t toss a command behind your shoulder while you’re driving, unless you are prepared to pull over, stop the car, and get out. If you wait until you arrive at your destination 10 minutes later, the moment is lost.
As children get older, connecting offense and consequence becomes much easier because you can reason with them. But by that point, they have been trained. It’s not an everyday occurrence, and your lecture is more of a reinforcement of something already known deep in their bones rather than a necessity.
The Only Attention They Give is Negative Attention
A child demands attention, and if disobedience is the only time a father pays attention to him, a child will learn ways to get that attention. Hugs, kisses, laughter, playtime, conversations both shallow and deep. Saturate your child with love and attention. He will let you know if he needs more of it. Fill up the bank.
Every moment of discipline should come from this context of love, where they know, deep down, that you want them close. Discipline is a temporary interruption for their own good, and not a permanent state of disfellowship.
Want an easy place to start? Reading out loud to them every night is a great way to give regular, focused attention.
I’ve also written several books that are great for this purpose.
It’s Not Too Late
The good news is that children respond very quickly to new patterns of discipline. It’s not too late. You are not helpless. Stand firm a few times, consistently, and your children will start learning the new reality. And though more difficult, even neglected teenagers can respond to a father taking more responsibility.
The battle is worth it. No less than the souls of your children are at stake.