They Must Face Their Fears

And so should you.

My son used to be terrified of dogs. He would jump into our arms and scream if one got too close, no matter how small or how calm the dog happened to be. It was completely irrational. He had never had a bad experience with a dog. He had hardly had any experience with dogs.

It didn’t diminish much as he got older. The fear was still there, but he could control it better. We watched our friend’s smaller dog for a few days, and he would avoid it. He would stay rooted to the couch and keep his legs off the floor as if the animal would bite his toes off if given a single second of opportunity.

So we got a dog.

He didn’t like it at first. After two weeks, he thought nothing of it.

After a year, the dog (a border collie mutt) had grown to 80 lbs and began nipping at our kids’ ankles. Our son got annoyed, but he wasn’t fearful.

And now, he loves dogs. Even dogs bigger than he is.

The worst thing we could have done was to coddle him and confirm that his fears are unbreakable chains. That would have done nothing but fossilize his fear into permanent anxiety, and he would be one of those weirdos who crafts an identity from their phobias and other idiosyncrasies to feel special.

Children need to learn to face their fears. Some need less help than others, but it’s your responsibility to make sure they are facing them.

Which means that you need to be facing your fears as well. It won’t do to slouch around, sitting comfortably while sipping on craft beer. You don’t get to claim that you have “arrived.”

You might have worked hard to arrange your life in such a way that you meet very few bumps along the road. You have accrued enough agency to pretend you have conquered your fears, even though you really never have to face them anymore.

Your children will learn that lesson well.

If you want them to be courageous and dangerous, you must not dictate from the sidelines.

What are your fears? What have you been avoiding? What risks are you running away from or shielding yourself from? What challenges have you sidestepped? Is it public speaking? Seek out an opportunity to speak to a small group. Do you have anxiety about owning a gun? Go to the gun range, ask questions, and pump some targets full of lead.

Don’t let your courage atrophy. You never know when you might need it, so keep it sharp.