Includes a resource for paid subscribers.
When discontented moms aren’t humble-bragging about the huge mental load they’re carrying all the time, they usually complain about the growing piles of laundry and how it grows exponentially with every child. Or about how a room looks like a tornado went through it about 15 minutes after tidying up.
Some of these are good-natured and relatable. They come from a place of gratitude, understanding that even blessings have a weight and need to be carried. But many complaints come from a dark seed of bitterness. To look at a child and seethe about “extra laundry” is obscene.
No amount of organization or help can root out bitterness. Even if you hired a maid, that person would not be able to clean the inside of a soul. It evinces a deeper spiritual problem.
However, there are people who need a little help because they were never taught properly, or they are so caught up in the daily humdrum of life that they can’t envision something different. So I want to help.
This post presents a mindset shift for both husband and wife, and includes a tool to help you accomplish it. More on that below.
First, some basic expectations. Spotlessness is not necessarily the goal. A perfect house, ready for a photoshoot, is not the goal. Joyful, righteous living is the goal. Properly stewarding what God has given you is the goal. A clean, empty house is nothing to be proud of, a form of burying your “talents".
Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.
Proverbs 14:4
A home is meant to be used for something, and one of those things is the raising of children, and they come with particular challenges. These challenges should be embraced. Messiness and chaos are to be expected and need to be managed.
That doesn’t mean they should be ignored. A wife scrolling social media for hours per day while the mess piles up is not healthy for anyone.
Rather, the home should be well-enough kept that the family, at the drop of a hat, can spend about 30 minutes and be prepared to invite guests inside the door without being embarrassed.
They’re called “chores”
Children, from a young age, can help out with all sorts of things. You don’t have to do it all. Your wife doesn’t have to do it all. They can:
Do laundry
Fill and empty the dishwasher
Vacuum
Dust
Wipe down baseboards and trim
Clean toilets
Tidy up inside vehicles
And so much more
Teach and supervise a few times, and your children can be quite helpful. They’ll need some correction and direction from time to time if they slack off, but they can do more than most modern people tend to think.
Children are an asset. As such, they require some up-front investment. If you invest properly, they can be more valuable than you can possibly imagine.
Organization
There are so many tools out there to stay on top of things that they almost rival the number of homeschool curriculum programs. A lot of them require a lot of setup and upkeep, which invalidates a big part of their usefulness. Some feel so invasive that the family risks becoming a slave to the tool, and the point becomes compliance with the tool instead of the real goal.
So I created a simple tool for paid subscribers. It pulls from a single spreadsheet, parses out chores, and emails the list once per week. Anyone with a Google account can set it up and use it. Here’s a demo:
Here is the spreadsheet to copy, along with the Apps Script code:
Not intended for autopilot
This tool is not intended to be set and forgotten. Sit down with your wife and work through your list of chores and the capabilities of your children. Have honest conversations about time. Set up a weekly meeting to go over the list once it’s emailed (the time the list is generated is configurable).
Have a conversation about it. Print out the list and write down extra stuff that comes up, like a one-off task (e.g., organizing the garage) that will take more time than normal. Be honest about the time available. Maybe there’s a huge event this week you forgot about, so everyone needs to have fewer chores.
The conversation is the point, and the husband needs to lead it, with input from his wife. Usually this doesn’t need to take longer than 15 minutes. Then put the list on the refrigerator. Repeat every week.
Of course, some wives don’t need this level of supervision and help. Some need more. You need to know your family and be prepared to live with her in an understanding manner.
The most important part
Cleanliness for cleanliness's sake, for many families, is hard to sustain. Life happens. If your only keeping things ship-shape for your own convenience and sanity, then, unless you have a high-agency wife, a pure Proverbs 31 ideal, it won’t last.
Why are you doing all of these things?
Your household needs a mission beyond rest and entertainment. Something bigger than yourself, something you would not be able to accomplish alone. It can be as simple as radical hospitality, where you commit to having people over at least once per week or more. If you both buy into the mission, then you can determine what it will take to accomplish that mission. What are the daily, mundane tasks that need to be done to fulfill that mission?
Now, chores become part of something larger. Every sweep of the broom is in service to loving your neighbor. Every scrub of the toilet means something beyond the smell of bleach. There’s a point to it all.
It’s the husband’s responsibility to instill this mission and get buy-in. If you do that properly, then everything slides into place much more easily. People will still drag their feet sometimes, but now you can encourage them to this higher calling, instead of just lambasting them with a rote “chores build character” routine.
No excuses
I created the above script in under an hour with the help of AI. The tools we have at our fingertips are like nothing we’ve ever had before. It’s an exciting time to be alive. If you don’t like my idea above, create your own, or have it modify the script. Nothing is stopping you.
And you don’t have to stop at chores. Build a routine for meal planning. You can get as detailed as you want, and it can even pull only from a folder of your curated, favorite recipes.
But you still have to do something. Take charge.