The Most Important Lessons My Father Taught Me
Above all other lessons, these have shaped who I am today.
Fathers are always teaching. Every word, every action, will be the aroma of the home, breathed in by the children. The mere presence of a father can change outcomes for the better.
But based on personality and experience, different fathers will emphasize different things. Families have different rules. They have particular strengths and weaknesses. They have a flavor.
While my own father taught many things, here are the lessons he taught me that live deeper in the bones. He etched my soul with a sharper pen.
1. Leave something borrowed in better shape than you found it
I had to borrow a neighbor’s lawn mower because ours had broken down. When I was done, I refilled it with gas and was about to wheel it back. My father came out.
“That thing looks filthy. Be sure to clean it up before you take it back.”
“But it was already dirty.”
“It doesn’t matter. They let you borrow it. The least you could do is bring it back even better than before.”
So I wiped it down until it shone.
2. Always try your best
Cliche, but important.
Nothing made my father angrier than the suspicion that I had given up or hadn’t tried. In every type of endeavor. School. Sports. Anything. He had a keen eye for my potential and was always quick to tell me when I wasn’t living up to it. These were not unrealistic expectations. In sports, he didn’t even expect me to win most of the time. He did expect me to practice often and to be out of breath and tired after a game.
3. Sour grapes and bad sportsmanship is like theft
This lesson is a corollary to the previous lesson on trying your best.
One time, when I was 11 or 12 years old, family friends came to stay with us. Their oldest daughter and I, about the same age, spent the weekend playing chess. I won most of the games. When she won one of them, I shrugged and said, “Eh, I wasn’t really trying that time.”
My father took me aside a few minutes later. “Never act like that to an opponent. If you tried and lost, you call it a good game. If you didn’t try, that’s lazy, and you know better. If you did try, you’re just trying to make her feel small for her victory and that’s reprehensible. It’s lying. Worse than lying, because you’re being petty and stealing something from her that she earned.”
I’ll never forget that conversation. No matter how he spun it, I came out looking bad. He made me apologize and say, “Good game.”
4. Remember first names
Whenever I met new people, my father would always ask their names. If I didn’t know them or forgot, he would always look disappointed. “People love to hear their own name.”
He taught me to repeat the name several times in a first conversation to help solidify it. Something simple that pays big dividends. We even practiced it.
Repeat someone’s name, and they might not remember your name, but they won’t forget how you make them feel important.
5. A single lie destroys years of trust
Lying was the worst infraction. “He’s a liar and a thief. Do you know why they always put them together? Because a dishonest man won’t hesitate to steal.”
If I were caught in a lie, the punishment would always be 5x to 10x what it would have been otherwise. An exponential increase. There was mercy granted for other infractions, but never for lying. If a man didn’t have integrity, he had nothing.
He also taught that it wasn’t just hurting me, but also hurting other people.
“I want to trust you. But when you lie, you steal that privilege away from me.”
What were the special lessons your own father taught you? How have they shaped you and why do you think you still remember them?