The title may seem like an abomination to those who think one of our biggest problems these days is low standards. I agree. We don’t demand enough of our children, and they live up to these low expectations.
I also don’t think we should be quick to lower a standard just because it’s hard to achieve. We do this with ourselves all the time and pass it along to our children. We can’t dunk on a 10-foot basketball goal, so we lower it to 8 feet and then congratulate ourselves on grabbing the rim.
Children should aim for excellence, and we shouldn’t change the definition of excellence based on ability, resolve, and aptitude.
So, what do I mean by “lower the standard?”
I mean properly arranging our standards. A form of prioritization. Focusing your eye on the overarching goal and not letting the trees distract you from the forest.
In this case, the forest is a household full of joy and harmony, where everyone is kind and patient with one another, where fellowship is enjoyed around the table, and where the members love to come back home.
You want them to love the standard, not just conform to it. You want to require a standard that everyone can contribute to, and after they get some practice, maybe you can start raising it.
Doug Wilson has said the following:
Let us suppose the whole family is flunking high school calculus. Wouldn’t it be far better to all go back to sixth grade and pass that grade together?
We don’t want to change the meaning of “calculus” and then pretend we’re all doing engineering work.
Let’s go over some examples.
If your kids are fidgeting during your hour-long family devotion, and even your wife is sighing and shifting in her seat, and everyone is like a tightened rubber band ready to shoot off to bed…maybe you lower that standard to 30 minutes. Or 20 minutes. Or even 10 minutes. 10 minutes of joyful study is better than an hour-long slog that builds resentment.
If you require the house to be spotless before everyone goes to bed, and all it constantly produces is snapping, grumbling, dull looks, and an atmosphere of stress where you can always hear your wife grinding her teeth…maybe you ease up and lower the standard to something everyone can achieve with joy. Maybe you only require there to be no toys on the floor and no overflowing trash cans.
This doesn’t mean you don’t make your son mow the lawn because he doesn’t do it joyfully. He needs to learn how to do things he doesn’t want to do and work hard at things. Rather, it means that you don’t require him to put a skip in his step and a song on his lips as he pushes the mower in 95-degree heat, where the humidity is squeezing water from his very bones. If he mows the lawn without complaining, that should be good enough for you.
Don’t crush him. Keep this verse always in mind:
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Colossians 3:21
Of course, none of this applies to bedrock rules and standards. You don’t get to lower any of God’s standards, for example. This has to do with house rules and culture, not universal rules.
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