Your Wife and Children Will Sabotage You

Welcome to leadership.

Your wife and/or your kids will attempt to sabotage your leadership. This is not because they don't love and respect you but because it's part of attempting a change. All leaders experience sabotage. How they deal with it determines whether they will be effective leaders.

You cannot be a leader without resisting sabotage. If you don't resist it, you are not leading but capitulating and giving in to emotional manipulation.

Here’s an example.

Let's say you want all the kids' rooms cleaned every week before the weekend. Your wife is on board. Let's say that even the kids are enthusiastic and want to get it done.

It goes well for a few weeks. But then problems arise. One kid forgets. If you don't stand your ground and enforce consequences, the entire thing will start to fall apart. This is the first attempt at sabotage. If you don't resist, they will know you were never serious to begin with.

Or your wife could get tired of trying to enforce the new rule. It takes effort and energy she doesn’t have this week because she was busier than usual taking kids to practice or helping out with some initiative at church. Being lax is easier.

She might even schedule things so that it was impossible for the kids to have time to clean their rooms. Surprise outings that day or different chores. She might have even filled the time with good, worthwhile things.

Regardless, if you don't stand your ground, the whole system will collapse. There will be whining, and pouting, and possibly some tears and attempts at emotional manipulation.

“I was too tired.”

“I forgot.”

“They’ll do it tomorrow.”

“It was such a nice day outside.”

“Look what they did for you instead.”

This is where most would-be leaders lose their nerve. They give in. They accept excuses. Persevere. You must enforce the consequences. If you don't, you might as well have never made the change in the first place.

The permanent change will only occur once you have resisted the attempts at sabotage. You must not lose your nerve. Leadership takes patience and endurance. It requires you to make certain stands based on your integrity.

You might not have the energy to enforce it, either. You don’t want to fight. It’s so much easier to let things slide, just this once. But it won’t be “just this once.” It never is.

What happens if your wife doesn’t go along?

If your wife refuses to enforce consequences or undercuts you, you must enforce the consequences yourself. Never act as if your wife is the enemy, and never try to be conspiratorial with your kids. Cover for her failure and take on all the responsibility yourself.

“Your mother was just tired today, but you were old enough to know what you needed to do.”

“I guess your mother wasn’t feeling well today, but you know what we agreed to, and so…”

This takes extra energy on your part. You must carry the weight of your wife’s failures. But that’s ok. You’re a man. Your shoulders were made to carry that weight.

Don’t disparage her or complain or whine to the kids. Behind closed doors, you can ask your wife to apologize to the kids for letting things slide. This will be easier to do if you have set the example of apologizing for your own failures, which leads to the final point.

Start with yourself

If you want to be able to stand in your integrity and resist sabotage, you must stop letting things slide for yourself. Practice not allowing yourself to take the easy way out. Your family will gradually be aware of the example you are setting.

The only way to reclaim your authority is to take responsibility.