There Are No Perfect Parents
But that doesn't mean you "did your best."
Every human endeavor has a weakness. Humans. We are, all of us, sinful, selfish, lazy, envious, and more. Parenthood is not immune. Fatherhood is not immune.
A perfect parent doesn’t exist. A perfect parent has never existed. Certain people are closer to the standard than others, but all fall short.
However, the reality of our fallenness is no excuse for our failures. We are quick to make an excuse, because excuse-making is one of our prime failures. We sip on every excuse like a fine wine, and expect others to take our word for its premium vintage. Nowhere is this talent more evident than in the common refrain:
“Well, we did the best we could.”
Usually spouted off when a child has grown up to waste his talents, lose his faith, get involved in unhealthy behaviors, or just become a monster. Said with the sad shrug of the shoulders, married to a deep sigh, any parent can deploy the phrase to absolve themselves of responsibility. Implicit is the assumption that there are no perfect parents, that no one can expect to be perfect, that mistakes are inevitable, so I’m cutting myself some slack and giving myself some space to heal and why don’t you get off my back already?
The twin is like unto it, said by others who have no idea what else to say in polite company when the topic of wayward children comes up:
“You did the best you could.”
Accompanied by a sympathetic look, maybe a soft touch of the arm, a shake of the head to convey understanding that the parent is not to blame for anything. They were good enough. Nevermind that the speaker usually has absolutely no knowledge of any such thing. They have assumed the mantle of circuit judge, declaring them innocent, with no witnesses, no lawyers, no jury, no stakes, and certainly no opposing testimony from the child.
Again, the point is to make the other person feel better. Not with truth, but with false comfort. A lie. A saccharine saying from a cowardly soothsayer.
We even label different stages of childhood to hide from ourselves and our failures.
“He’s in the terrible twos...”
“Looks like you have a threenager...”
“The fearsome fours are the worst...”
“The sassy sixes really tried my patience...”
“That’s just how teenagers are…”
Suddenly, the same attitudes and behaviors we tolerated for 18+ years bring down harsh, real-world consequences. We pretend to not know how things went so wrong.
And so we take false comfort in thinking that everything is just an inevitable stage of life and nothing could have been done to change a child’s temperament or behavior. We were powerless. Despite doing everything we could, they just kept slouching toward Gomorrah. It’s all a great mystery how some children turn out great, and others turn out rotten. Can’t be helped. Can’t be blamed.
But here’s the truth.
You didn’t do your best. You didn’t even try your hardest. And you certainly aren’t a victim of dark, unknowable fate.
Parents Fail Their Children Every Day
You failed your children in ways both large and small, every single day. And you will continue to fail them, over and over.
You chose to look at your phone instead of listening.
You got impatient and raised your voice.
You overreacted when they spilled the milk.
You gave them terrible advice because you had no idea what you were talking about.
You cut them down with sarcasm.
You spanked them way too hard.
You were lazy and didn’t discipline them as you should have.
You refused to enforce high standards.
You were too prideful to admit you were wrong.
You gave them a terrible example to follow.
You failed them. You failed them. You failed them.
And you will fail them again.
What Do You Do About Your Parenting Failures?
You are not a perfect father.
But those words are not meant to be an opioid you swallow every time your conscience acts up. They are meant to bring you to your knees in sorrow. They aren’t meant to absolve you. They are meant to convict you. To take responsibility for your failings. You have mishandled these precious gifts that God has given you.
If your children are a mess, you have no shortage of your own failures that have helped them into that mess. You are their father. They are who they are, at least in part, because of you and your actions. Leaks in the boat will get everyone’s feet wet. Or worse.
Don’t hide from this truth.
Once you have accepted it, you can now take the next step. Apologize to your children. Unequivocally. Show them that you live under a standard as well, and that you take responsibility for when you don’t measure up.
If your children are already out of the house, you should still apologize to them. Don’t expect anything in return. Don’t expect ready forgiveness or restoration. Your apology cannot be transactional. Accept responsibility for how you failed them, and admit it.
The bad news is that we also fail in apologizing properly. Add that to the never-ending list. Because there are no perfect parents.
The good news is that love covers a multitude of sins, and there is forgiveness found in Christ. He can cover all of your failures. Grace abounds. He can change hearts. He can use even your paltry, middling efforts to raise up godly offspring.
But he doesn’t offer false comfort. Only truth. And the truth can be hard to swallow.
No Christian should ever say, “I did the best I could.” That will always be a lie.
Stop hiding behind excuses. They only serve to whitewash the tomb you have buried your conscience in.