Stop Acting Perfect

Don't lean into the legend of your own awesomeness.

One way fathers oppress their sons is with an aura of perfection. The father is rarely seen making mistakes. Apologies rarely, or never, happen. If a man isn’t careful, he can bury his sons in despair as they fail time and again to live up to his impossible standard.

This problem can be especially acute in highly competent and successful men who seem to have the mandate of heaven on their shoulders. They can do no wrong. Everything they touch turns to gold. A son naturally wants the approval of his father but is scared to step out for fear of falling short.

Be careful when, in the course of conquering obstacles, you leave your children stranded in the ruins behind you.

Remember, you were a child, too. You weren’t always competent. You once were ignorant. You had to learn. You had to fail first before you tasted success.

It’s easy for a father to bask in the admiration of his children and pretend he is the superhero they think he is. To lean into the legend of their imaginations. The problem is that it’s hard to live in the shadow of a legend.

For your sons especially, be sure to tell them of the struggles and trials of your youth. Explain clearly, as much as required to get it into their heads, that you weren’t born skilled. You smashed your thumb when first swinging a hammer. You wasted money failing at your first business endeavor. You were heartbroken by that one girl in high school. You tripped over your own feet before you could dribble the soccer ball well.

Above all, reward their effort, not just their successes. Reward them when they get back up and try again.

Poke the bubble of your legend because that’s all it is anyway. A mere bubble. An ephemeral falsehood. A fiction. But one that can still crush your children.

Deflate your pride, and your children will find it easier to draw close and follow you.