Parents Have an Obligation to Be Clear
It is the parent's responsibility to ensure they are understood.
Children have an obligation to obey their parents.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. - Ephesians 6:1
However, parents have an obligation to be clear and precise about what they mean.
It is one of the great tragedies of the American legal system (and the West in general) that we have a legal code that could stack to the moon and back, and if you happen to pull the right paper out, it’s in obtuse legalese. I’m sure we each commit at least one Federal crime per day without knowing it.
This is the kind of petty tyranny you don’t want to replicate in your home.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger… - Ephesians 6:4a
One way to provoke your kids to anger is to ensure your home is a minefield of potential disobedience and never provide them with an adequate map. Another way is to be imprecise in your speech and to misunderstand their frame. What can they handle? What do they understand?
Believe it or not, your children want to please you. They are desperate for your approval. Don’t leave them guessing.
When You Aren’t Talking About the Same Thing
Our dog recently had a bad virus that left him with a form of palsy. He couldn’t control his tongue or his jaw and so couldn’t eat or drink by himself. The emergency vet had no idea what was going on. We scheduled an appointment with a pet neurologist and had several days to prepare the children for the worst.
My wife and I had were hand-feeding him rolled up meatballs and water from a bottle. That couldn’t continue, but we were willing to wait and see what the neurologist said.
However, we told the children that if there was no clear path forward, we would need to put the dog down. We weren’t going to get any MRIs or expensive scans. It would be sad, but ultimately, it was just a dog. We continued to talk about it and pray, and prepare them for the possibility that we may have to put the dog to sleep. Tonight was the time to say goodbye to him, just in case.
The night before the big appointment, our youngest asked, “How do they put him down?”
We explained that the dog is given something to make him go to sleep and then they don’t wake up.
“So, how long will it be until he wakes up?”
Then it hit us. He had no idea we were talking about death. To him, it was like his dog was going to be in the hospital for the long time, but then come back after he woke up. Our euphemisms had caused a huge misunderstanding. All of that time we spent to carefully prepare the kids, and for the youngest, it was all for nought.
We apologized. He took it in for a moment, then started crying.
Thankfully, our dog just needed a long, long regimen of steroids so he could eat and drink on his own again. The dog still lives.
And so does the lesson.
Make Sure They Understand
It is easy to fail in clarity, especially when children are young. On the surface, they must understand the words themselves, and it is your responsibility to make sure they understand. Punishing a child for being confused is like punishing a bird that flew into the window.
The other way to mess this up is with expectations.
You tell them to clean their room before they can play. They pick up their toys and put away their clothes and start to play, but didn’t empty the trash can or make their beds. Do you punish them for disobedience? Did they understand that’s what you meant when you said “clean you room?” Maybe they did. Maybe you’ve had that conversation multiple times.
But maybe you haven’t. Maybe the real definition exists only in your head.
“Study for your test.” What does that mean? Thirty minutes? An hour? As much time as needed, without regard for anything else, for them to get an A? Do they know that?
Communicate. Ask questions. Show them exactly what you mean. They will be relieved because they know exactly how to obey. You’ll be relieved because you’ll know you aren’t being unjust in your discipline.
Thank you for opening my eyes. It's far too late for me - my grandsons are all grown men now. But at least I undedstand the conflicts that still arise with the succeeding generations of my damily