Let Your Child's "No" be No

There are consequences to their actions, especially their words.

Your job as a father is to let your children fail. This is the only way they will learn. You provide them a safe space for them to fail, so they come to no real harm and the consequences are minor.

But fail, they must.

I take one of my children out to lunch once a week. They get to eat wherever they want and get some one-on-one time with me. It rotates in a neverending schedule and it’s one of my favorite times of the week.

It was my oldest’s turn. I asked her if she wanted to go to lunch with me tomorrow.

She thought for a few moments. “No, thank you.”

So, I turned to my second-oldest and asked him if he wanted to go to lunch. It’s now his turn if he wants it. He said yes.

As soon as he did, my oldest changed her mind and said, “Wait, no, I want to go.”

And so jealously reared its head. Only after her brother wanted to go did she find the idea more desirable.

“It’s too late,” I said. “You already said no, so it is no longer your turn.”

She begins to cry, and I reassure her that she will get a turn next week. I also told her that her words have power and weight. She should mean them. If you say “no,” you better mean “no.”

Next time, she’ll consider her words a bit more. The stakes were relatively low in this situation, as they should be when children are learning and growing up.

But there should be stakes. There should be consequences for their actions. Otherwise, they will never learn. A child shielded from small consequences will never think about larger consequences, which can lead to disaster for themselves and others.

And here, I hope she learned that her yes should mean yes, and her no should mean no. Words are powerful things. Train children to use them as you would any other dangerous tool.