How to Make Your Wife Despise You
Create expectations so low that you're free to do whatever you want.
Women are a great mystery. Even if you marry one and spend your life with her, you’ll never know absolutely everything. But making your wife despise you is quite simple. Doing so will create such low expectations that she’ll think you’re helpless, giving you more time to focus on frivolities and squander your life.
1. Always ask for permission
Treat your wife like your mom. Never do anything on your own initiative and never make any plans without asking if you’re allowed to do it. Don’t just join the gym. Never plan a night out with friends. Never plan a date and spring it on her spontaneously. Pretend that you’re just being considerate when really you want to foist all the responsibility onto her.
2. Overshare
Gossip like a woman to your wife, as if you’re just one of the girls. Vomit out your feelings at every opportunity. Burden her with every little anxiety and fear. Make a habit of crying often. Treat her as an emotional crutch. Act like an absolute mess at the merest hint of failure, conflict, or difficulty.
3. Never make any decisions
The magic words are, "I don't know. What do you want to do?"
Never be decisive. Always second-guess your own decision. Be silent until your wife steps in to save the day. Making a decision means you might make the wrong decision and look foolish, so better not to make any decision at all.
4. Nag your wife to work outside the home
It’s much easier to get your wife to collect a paycheck than to work to better yourself, seek out opportunities, or take on another job yourself. Let her take on a more masculine position. As a bonus, she’ll take on some more masculine traits, so you’ll have something to hold against her in the future. Adbidate. Offload as much responsibility onto her as possible.
5. Never work with your hands
Hire someone else to mow the grass. Never build anything from scratch. Always call the plumber when there’s a clogged drain. Show no curiosity or interest in hobbies that involve tools or dirt or sweat. Keep your hands soft and clean.
6. Roll over at the first sign of conflict
Don’t stand up for what you think is right. In fact, better not to have an opinion at all. If you start standing up to your wife, she might think you would show some courage and stand up for something else in the future. That’s pressure nobody wants or needs. Apologize just to keep the peace, even if it’s a lie.
7. Construct your identity around being a consumer
Measure your life by when the next Marvel movie, Star Wars show, or video game is coming out? Prove you are a malleable piece of clay, shaped by any outside force stronger than a soft breeze. Don’t just enjoy these things. Become obsessed with these things. Wrap your entire identity in pop culture.
8. Never let her be a woman
Never let her feel safe enough to be weak and vulnerable. Scoff at any attempt to pretty up the house. Be weak, so she is never tempted to rely on your strength for anything. A wet noodle should be more reliable than you. Shrug in apathy whenever she tries on a new dress. Act impatient and confused whenever you think she’s acting irrationally or emotionally. Never desire her, and act as if you are ambivalent to her presence.
Guaranteed
You don’t even have to do all of these. Just three or four, done consistently, will ensure your wife despises you almost as much as you despise yourself.