Bambi and the Children of Divorce
The prey who think they are pets are the first to fall to the hunter.
Most people picture the Disney movie when they hear the word Bambi. The book is an unfortunate casualty of the Mouse’s appetite, its corpse heaped on the same pile as other source material like Snow White, Pinocchio, and The Little Mermaid. To mention the name is to conjure up sanitized animation.
The book Bambi is a masterpiece. A coming-of-age story where a boy learns to be a man, and he does so by finally realizing the truth about the world he lives in. In particular, the truth about the human hunters who are treated as fearsome gods who bring thunder and pain and death.
In the book, there is a deer named Gobo who disappears but comes back after being a pet of the humans. He preens and lords his new knowledge over the other forest animals, preaching the benevolence of Man and how he had the honor of wearing His halter. He brags about being loved by His children and being fed hay and nuts and let inside when it was cold. Everyone is impressed.
Except the old stag. The old stag, Bambi’s father, is the wise protector of the forest. After listening to Gobo’s prattling, he only stares at the other deer, says “You poor thing!” and then walks away.
Gobo is insulted but shrugs it off. Bambi suspects the old stag is correct, but can’t articulate why, though he has seen that Gobo is no longer cautious, no longer waits before leaving a thicket and running into the open.
After a few weeks, Gobo meets his end. He ignores clear signs of danger. When another deer bounds back, fearful and anxious, to say that it is He, that a man stands by the far trees, Gobo scoffs at her fear. He walks out, wanting to talk to Him, and the thunder crashes, and Gobo dies bleeding on the ground.
Gobo had forgotten the wisdom of the forest. He was lulled by a false sense of comfort, mistaking an exception for the norm.
What does this have to do with the children of divorce?
Gaslit and Defenseless
Many children of divorce are like Gobo. They will prance and preen that their parents’ divorce was for the best. Because of the divorce, everything turned out better. It’s not that they are soldiering on during a bad situation, doing the best they can, not dwelling on the past.
No. That would be admirable and show resilience and honesty.
Instead, they have been taught to actively celebrate the festering wound. The only valid response is the same as the old stag’s.
“You poor thing.”
“I’m glad my parents got a divorce,” they will say in response to how damaging divorce can be for children.
But they have been trained to say this by years and years of gaslighting by friends and family. From the very beginning of the crisis, they have been told how to think by people with syrupy smiles spouting off platitudes to help cover the stench of reality.
"Don't your parents look so happy now?"
"It really was for the best, wasn't it?"
"Now you have an extra family."
"You get to have two Christmases now. Isn't that neat?"
Through all this, these children of divorce are taught that their pain is selfish or not real. It's an extra level of cruelty for an already cruel situation. What’s worse is that many continue to make excuses for their parents’ immaturity, betraying their lack of imagination.
“Better a divorce than fighting all the time.”
But divorce and fighting all the time were never the only two options. Their parents could have grown up, instead. Their insistence on this point only proves they suffer from some strange form of Stockholm syndrome. Like an amputee hopping on one leg, thinking the bobbing of the scenery is preferable to stable footing, because it’s all they’ve ever known.
“You don’t know my situation!”
I do know it would be better to have two legs.
And these children of divorce are only being led to the slaughter. Their guards are down. Their consciences have been desensitized. Their sense of normal is distorted. They are less likely to avoid danger.
Much like Gobo.
This dysfunction is clear when you look at outcomes and cascading effects.
The Negative Outcomes for Children of Divorce
No matter what the children of divorce say, no matter their protestations about it “being for the best,” they speak from a place of pain and ignorance. They have limited imaginations.
Like children who love gummy bears and simply can’t imagine a greater pleasure in life, their worlds have been made too small by the failings of their parents.
Let’s go over some of the stats.
Educational Outcomes
8% lower probability of completing high school
12% lower probability of attending college
11% lower probability of completing college
From https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1813049116
Mental Health Outcomes
29% higher likelihood of depression
12% higher likelihood of anxiety disorder
48% higher likelihood of suicidal ideation
35% higher likelihood of suicide attempts
From https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31622869/
Substance Abuse
43% higher likelihood of alcohol abuse
64% higher likelihood of smoking
45% higher likelihood of drug use
From https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31622869/
Economic Impact
23-41% drop in household income when parents split - https://www.help.senate.gov/dem/newsroom/press/murray-requests-oversight-of-process-for-dividing-retirement-assets-in-divorce
9-13% lower adult earnings - https://www.nber.org/digest/202508/parental-divorce-and-childrens-long-term-outcomes
50-100% higher likelihood of living in poverty - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6313686/
Relationship & Marriage Outcomes
100% higher divorce risk if one spouse is a child of divorce - https://archive.unews.utah.edu/news_releases/research-suggests-children-of-divorce-more-likely-to-end-their-own-marriages/
200% higher divorce risk if both spouses are children of divorce - https://archive.unews.utah.edu/news_releases/research-suggests-children-of-divorce-more-likely-to-end-their-own-marriages/
Lower oxytocin levels in adulthood - https://news.web.baylor.edu/news/story/2020/people-who-experienced-parental-divorce-children-have-lower-love-hormone-levels
Criminal Behavior
43% higher incarceration risk
35-55% increase in childhood mortality rates
From https://www.nber.org/digest/202508/parental-divorce-and-childrens-long-term-outcomes
My number one parenting hack is “Stay married to your spouse” for a reason.
Don’t Believe Them
Be very skeptical of anyone saying that “divorce was the best thing that could have happened.” Many continue to make excuses for their parents because they are blind, or they want to leave that door open for themselves. As seen above, children of divorce are much more likely to divorce their own spouses.
It’s very unlikely that their lives, as a whole, are anything you would want to emulate. Though you’ll find an entire industry of divorce blogs trying to convince you otherwise.
Parental divorce is a tragedy to crawl back from, and many people, by the grace of God, do. It is a hunter, red in tooth and claw, mutilating its prey, but sometimes offering a false sense of quiet and comfort before it reveals its fangs. Those who think they are not really its prey, but its pet, are deluding themselves. They have been burned so badly that the nerves are gone, and they can no longer feel the wounds in the relevant places.
Don’t take this lightly. Don’t let the wounded tell you it’s only a scratch when their arm has fallen off.
Treat them like Gobo. Misguided and to be pitied.
They mistake quicksand for a warm bath, so do not let them entice you with their assurances to treat divorce as a net positive.