A Wife So Valuable You Become Her Servant

Ancient wisdom from an actual patriarch.

In Xenophon’s Oeconomicus, Ischomachus relays a conversation he has had with his new, young wife. He has been training her to run the household, and at one point, he says to her:

But the most pleasant experience of all is to prove yourself better than I am, to make me your servant.

What does Ischomachus mean by this?

He was in charge of the entire household. He was the patriarch. His word was essentially the law to the house.

But he cannot do everything. He could not be everywhere at once. And so he is explaining to his wife the importance of her role in managing these other areas of the household, areas that were just as important as the work he himself did, such as the organization of resources and the management of servants.

The goal was to have a wife so capable that he could put his entire trust in her. If she became industrious and diligent, and she said something in relation to her domain, he would not hesitate to obey that word.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.

Proverbs 31:11

It is not abdication to listen to your wife regarding her domain and responsibilities. In fact, you have delegated those tasks, and it would be foolish to ignore her.

In Ischomachus’s case, if his young wife worked to organize the tools of the household, it would make sense to ask her where certain tools should go, and therefore become her servant in the matter. Follow the logistics plan of your quartermaster.

If your wife tells you to take off your shoes before you enter the house, you are not giving up your manhood by obeying her command in this matter. If you have given her the responsibility of beautifying the home, you want her to excel at it, and if she excels at it, you should be glad to become her servant in this instance.

If you have entrusted your wife with managing the finances and creating a household budget, and she tells you that a particular purchase needs to wait until next month, the wise husband listens. She has the spreadsheet open. She knows (or should know) what bills are coming. To override her because you want a new tool or gadget is to undermine the very authority you gave her.

If your wife homeschools and she tells you that your son needs more time on his current math lessons before moving to the next level, trust her judgment. She is with that child for hours a day. She might see what you do not. Now, there might be cause to dig deeper, especially if you think your son isn’t meeting his expectations. Ask questions, don’t jump to overruling. Maybe he needs to dedicate more time per day to math, or maybe not, but that’s a conversation to have, not a browbeating to administer.

Paterfamilias

The Roman paterfamilias had absolute legal authority over his household. He could, in theory, even sell his children into slavery. But the Romans themselves recognized that a man who actually exercised every power available to him was not strong but monstrous.

Cato the Elder, who was as hard a man as Rome ever produced, praised his wife's management of the home and said that a man who struck his wife laid hands on what was most sacred. Authority exercised without restraint is not authority at all, but tyranny. If the pagans understood this, how much more so should the Christian?

Don’t Hate Yourself

To disobey her would be to hate yourself. To disobey her would be making a mockery of your own authority. If she opens her mouth with wisdom, why would you not listen? If you have helped train her in what you expect and she has shown herself competent in meeting those expectations, why would you undercut her efforts?

It is an insecure husband who doesn’t want his wife to excel at anything. It is an effeminate man who thinks he is in competition with his wife. It is false masculinity to keep your wife under your thumb so that you can override her wishes whenever you wish, to prove somehow that the ultimate authority lies with you. It is a poor leader who demands respect by shouting, “Respect me!”

Let your wife do what she was created to do. Guide her, husband her, and if you are blessed, you will be happy to become her servant.

Be a leader, not a micromanager or a blustering tyrant.