I scooped ice cream when I was in college. For almost two years. The customers taught me valuable lessons in customer service, and the free ice cream taught me that I would never grow sick of ice cream.

The most important thing I learned at this job, however, was the power of showing up. After about two months on the job, the owner started calling me “old reliable.”

All it took was two months of showing up to work on time (or mostly on time) for four days per week, and I got dubbed “old reliable.”

I was nothing special. I was terrible at writing words on ice cream cakes. I never got the hang of it, nor did I care to improve. My customer service skills were average. But I showed up. Consistently. I hadn’t called in sick once, and apparently, that was pretty extraordinary.

If you just show up, consistently, you will automatically be better than 80% of the population. You could lose or do a mostly mediocre job, and this would still hold true.

If you show up and play a terrible game…you still beat everyone else who never even tried.

If you show up and make a colossal mistake…you still beat everyone else who never even tried.

This has held true most of my adult life.

I have always had co-workers who are objectively better than me at what they do. More skilled, more experienced. But they are inconsistent. They go 120% one day and 60% the next. Or they don’t show up at all.

If you just show up and do 100% every day, people notice. People appreciate it. On a long enough timeline, the tortoise always beats the hare.

This is true with fatherhood.

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I remember the punishment.

But I don’t remember why I was being punished. It was bad enough to warrant such an extreme, drawn-out task. Maybe it had to do with schoolwork or disrespect.

I was 13 or 14 at the time, and I’m sure I deserved something drastic.

The punishment? I had to copy, by hand, the entire book of The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway. The main driver behind this punishment was my father.

My parents did a lot of things right, but they got some major things wrong. This is the best we can hope for. None of us are perfect. We can only hope to learn from the mistakes of our forebears so we don’t repeat them. After all, we have mistakes of our own to make.

But assigning the transcription of a work of literature as punishment is a bad idea.

I understand the reasoning behind it. If you are going to have your kid write something as punishment, to make sure he never makes the same mistake again, why settle for boring, rote sentences? Why not have him write great literature instead? Some of it may rub off on him. If he remembers any of it, so much the better.

The actual result? I absolutely loathe the idea of The Old Man and the Sea. I have a visceral reaction to any hint of reading it. It has taken the better part of 20+ years to reach a point where I can entertain the idea of the book.

I guarantee this was not what my father had in mind.

As much as it is in your power, do not associate anything that is Good, Beautiful, and True with negative experiences. That association can last a lifetime. Maybe for generations.

In my mind, I will never get to read The Old Man and the Sea. I will always have to read The Old Man and the Sea. The struggle is built in before I even start. Of course, this is the same association many children get with the great books in school, because every lecture or assignment seems to crack the bones and suck all the enjoyment from the story itself. The love it lost. Most people don’t read anything after their school years, let alone the classics. They associate them with boredom, drudgery, and monotony.

But you don’t have to poison your own children.

Try to associate the Good, Beautiful, and True with positive experiences. For example, make sure your Bible reading time coincides with dessert time. Or make sure that strenuous exercise is in service to playing a game that they love.

Don’t force them to write poetry as punishment. They will only learn to hate that poem.

Don’t force them to write Scripture as punishment. They will only learn to hate those verses.

Don’t force them to play with their little sister as punishment. They will only grow to resent her.

Don’t turn dinner time at the table into endless nitpicking about manners with raised voices and sighs of disappointment.

Take care of the negative associations you create. You are cultivating their affections.

And don’t force them to transcribe The Old Man and the Sea. Read it to them instead, while they dig their spoons into big bowls of ice cream.

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When discontented moms aren’t humble-bragging about the huge mental load they’re carrying all the time, they usually complain about the growing piles of laundry and how it grows exponentially with every child. Or about how a room looks like a tornado went through it about 15 minutes after tidying up.

Some of these are good-natured and relatable. They come from a place of gratitude, understanding that even blessings have a weight and need to be carried. But many complaints come from a dark seed of bitterness. To look at a child and seethe about “extra laundry” is obscene.

No amount of organization or help can root out bitterness. Even if you hired a maid, that person would not be able to clean the inside of a soul. It evinces a deeper spiritual problem.

However, there are people who need a little help because they were never taught properly, or they are so caught up in the daily humdrum of life that they can’t envision something different. So I want to help.

This post presents a mindset shift for both husband and wife, and includes a tool to help you accomplish it. More on that below.

First, some basic expectations. Spotlessness is not necessarily the goal. A perfect house, ready for a photoshoot, is not the goal. Joyful, righteous living is the goal. Properly stewarding what God has given you is the goal. A clean, empty house is nothing to be proud of, a form of burying your “talents".

Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.

Proverbs 14:4

A home is meant to be used for something, and one of those things is the raising of children, and they come with particular challenges. These challenges should be embraced. Messiness and chaos are to be expected and need to be managed.

That doesn’t mean they should be ignored. A wife scrolling social media for hours per day while the mess piles up is not healthy for anyone.

Rather, the home should be well-enough kept that the family, at the drop of a hat, can spend about 30 minutes and be prepared to invite guests inside the door without being embarrassed.

They’re called “chores”

Children, from a young age, can help out with all sorts of things. You don’t have to do it all. Your wife doesn’t have to do it all. They can:

• Do laundry

• Fill and empty the dishwasher

• Vacuum

• Dust

• Wipe down baseboards and trim

• Clean toilets

• Tidy up inside vehicles

• And so much more

Teach and supervise a few times, and your children can be quite helpful. They’ll need some correction and direction from time to time if they slack off, but they can do more than most modern people tend to think.

Children are an asset. As such, they require some up-front investment. If you invest properly, they can be more valuable than you can possibly imagine.

Organization

There are so many tools out there to stay on top of things that they almost rival the number of homeschool curriculum programs. A lot of them require a lot of setup and upkeep, which invalidates a big part of their usefulness. Some feel so invasive that the family risks becoming a slave to the tool, and the point becomes compliance with the tool instead of the real goal.

So I created a simple tool for paid subscribers. It pulls from a single spreadsheet, parses out chores, and emails the list once per week. Anyone with a Google account can set it up and use it. Here’s a demo:

Here is the spreadsheet to copy, along with the Apps Script code:

Not intended for autopilot

This tool is not intended to be set and forgotten. Sit down with your wife and work through your list of chores and the capabilities of your children. Have honest conversations about time. Set up a weekly meeting to go over the list once it’s emailed (the time the list is generated is configurable).

Have a conversation about it. Print out the list and write down extra stuff that comes up, like a one-off task (e.g., organizing the garage) that will take more time than normal. Be honest about the time available. Maybe there’s a huge event this week you forgot about, so everyone needs to have fewer chores.

The conversation is the point, and the husband needs to lead it, with input from his wife. Usually this doesn’t need to take longer than 15 minutes. Then put the list on the refrigerator. Repeat every week.

Of course, some wives don’t need this level of supervision and help. Some need more. You need to know your family and be prepared to live with her in an understanding manner.

The most important part

Cleanliness for cleanliness's sake, for many families, is hard to sustain. Life happens. If your only keeping things ship-shape for your own convenience and sanity, then, unless you have a high-agency wife, a pure Proverbs 31 ideal, it won’t last.

Why are you doing all of these things?

Your household needs a mission beyond rest and entertainment. Something bigger than yourself, something you would not be able to accomplish alone. It can be as simple as radical hospitality, where you commit to having people over at least once per week or more. If you both buy into the mission, then you can determine what it will take to accomplish that mission. What are the daily, mundane tasks that need to be done to fulfill that mission?

Now, chores become part of something larger. Every sweep of the broom is in service to loving your neighbor. Every scrub of the toilet means something beyond the smell of bleach. There’s a point to it all.

It’s the husband’s responsibility to instill this mission and get buy-in. If you do that properly, then everything slides into place much more easily. People will still drag their feet sometimes, but now you can encourage them to this higher calling, instead of just lambasting them with a rote “chores build character” routine.

No excuses

I created the above script in under an hour with the help of AI. The tools we have at our fingertips are like nothing we’ve ever had before. It’s an exciting time to be alive. If you don’t like my idea above, create your own, or have it modify the script. Nothing is stopping you.

And you don’t have to stop at chores. Build a routine for meal planning. You can get as detailed as you want, and it can even pull only from a folder of your curated, favorite recipes.

But you still have to do something. Take charge.

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Cultures vary in their customs, both in doctrine and praxis. Even the same religion can differ as you cross borders. Just look at churches in the Bible Belt versus churches in the Pacific Northwest, or anywhere on the West Coast, and you’ll find different emphases and mores, even in the same denomination. And that’s in the exact same country.

There are commonalities that transcend culture, however. Apparently, we all find some things hilarious, no matter our differences in upbringing and genetics. One study found that there are 3 things that every culture finds humorous at some level:

1. Twins dressed the same.

2. Someone falling down a short flight of stairs.

3. A sudden fart made in a silent environment.

Intuitively, this makes sense, especially the last two. You’ve probably chuckled at both in real life, and you’re probably chuckling a little bit right now thinking about it.

There is another way all cultures seem to be similar. All of them have had different roles for men and women.

Stephen B. Clark, in his magnificent and exhaustive Man and Woman in Christ, compiles and summarizes several dump trucks’ worth of sociological and anthropological research.

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1. Every culture has had a sexual division of labor

Every culture divides tasks between men and women. These tasks can change from culture to culture (though there is remarkable consistency), but the division is always there.

The types of tasks men perform across cultures are similar, and the same is true for women. Even in our “egalitarian” culture, women still make up over 80% of nursing staff, and you can find many other obvious imbalances

2. Every culture has defined complementary roles in the communal and domestic spheres

Every culture, past and present, assigns men the primary responsibility for the larger community (government and larger groups) and women the primary responsibility for domestic affairs and the rearing of children.

Men are more outward focused toward the wider world. Women are more inward-focused.

The degree of this differentiation varies from culture to culture. In some, fathers are heavily involved in household life, and in some, women participate more in political affairs. This degree can also change from generation to generation, as we see with millennial dads who spend way more time with their children than previous generations.

But the pattern of emphasis is always the same.

It should be noted that in the past, the household was more central and highly valued, and so even domestic duties involved more participation in broader society and accrued more respect.

3. Every culture assumes some form of female submission to the male

From Sherry Ortner, a prominent American cultural anthropologist and a foundational figure in the field of feminist anthropology: "The search for a genuinely egalitarian, let alone matriarchal, culture has proved fruitless."

The subordination is seen in both public and private life. It is expressed differently, but a pattern exists. Even in matrilineal or matrifocal societies, men are still the overall governing authorities. Women have always been personally subordinate to some male figure (father, husband, uncle).

Even in societies where adult males aren't involved much in family life, this subordination has some symbolic expression.

Again, like everything else on this list, female submission is expressed differently across cultures. But the submission is always there. This tendency makes sense, because if men are to govern effectively, they must also have some authority over the women in charge of the households.

4. Every culture has expressions of gender differences between men and women

These expressions come through in various customs and traditions. Men and women dress differently and are expected to act differently. Even in societies where nudity is the rule, gender differences are expressed through tattoos, scars, or mutilation.

Almost no culture is content with the natural differences men and women are born with. Further distinctions are always carved out. Some cultures have an ideological agenda (like ours) and enforce more androgynous dress, but these cultures still have ways of expressing gender differences.

Reality always asserts itself. If you try to pave over it with concrete, cracks will start to erupt.

So what?

Why does this matter?

All of these commonalities take on different forms, giving the illusion of diversity, and modern ideologues will take this array of differences and claim that gender is purely a cultural construct, and then use that to bludgeon your sons and daughters into the same mold.

But consider expressions of respect and honor and how they differ from culture to culture. For example, in the military, the British salute is different from the American salute, but they both perform the same function. It would be foolish to go around asserting that expressions of respect don’t matter because they are obviously arbitrary, as evidenced by their differences across cultures.

Boys and girls are different. Men and women are different. Proper parenting means leaning into those differences and exalting them where appropriate. If you treat them as if they are the same, as if their sex is arbitrary, you will do great harm. Don’t listen to the harpies.

These differences are good and they are God-given. Through common grace, every culture has recognized them in their own way. You should too.

You can also read Man and Woman in Christ for free online, especially the relevant chapter.

Further reading:

We don’t have a problem with lying in my house. At least, not anymore. My children confess fairly quickly if they do something wrong and are asked directly about it, and they rarely try to hide something. They know the punishment for lying will always be worse than the punishment for the original infraction.

I attribute this to forcing my wife to take her words seriously, which in turn made our children take her words more seriously.

Our daughter used to have a problem with lying. She would lie about the dumbest stuff, like candy she had eaten and the wrappers she had accumulated under her bed. One night, when our daughter was 11, my wife said, “If you are caught lying one more time, you will not be going to camp.”

All of our kids go to a Christian summer camp for a week, and it was about a month away. This was the first year our youngest would also be going, which meant a full week to ourselves.

This would be the third year for our daughter, and she loved it. She still loves it. It’s one of her favorite weeks of the year. She would be devastated if she missed it.

One week later, she is caught in an obvious lie. She had used the iPad after hours. After she lied, we showed her the proof, and she broke down crying.

“Alright, so you’re not going to camp this year,” I said. My wife looked at me with uncertainty.

Later that night, after everyone else was in bed, my wife brought the subject up again. “She can’t miss camp!”

“But she will,” I said.

“That’s a bigger punishment for us than it is for her.” I understood what she meant. We had been looking forward to the week and had already made plans.

“Maybe. But that’s the punishment you told her, and so that’s what’s going to happen.”

It was a lesson not only for our daughter, but also for her younger brothers. They knew why their sister was not able to go. They knew why she wasn’t dropped off. After camp, they got another reminder every time they told a story to their sister. They listened, watched, and learned. So far, we’ve had only one more incident of lying in the many years since, between all three of them.

If I had let my wife talk me out of keeping our promise, the boys (and certainly their older sister) would have learned a far different lesson. One that would have undermined our entire household. While it was a bit painful to follow through, it resulted in longer-term peace and an easier future. The investment paid off. In one swoop, the lesson was taught in a way that was hard to forget.

It would have been so easy to cave. To give our daughter another chance and another empty threat, and she would have lied again and again until we finally did something equally drastic. Worse, all of my children would have taken my wife’s words far less seriously.

But notice how I said our promise above. It was my wife who made the threat. At the time, in the back of my mind, I thought about countermanding her order, because I knew it was off-the-cuff and given in anger. I thought better of it.

And from that moment on, it became my promise, too. My silence was an endorsement. As the head of the household, keeping that promise now became my responsibility. If we failed to carry it out, it would be more my failure than my wife’s.

This responsibility is biblical.

Numbers 30:2 is straightforward.

If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.

But when a woman makes an oath, it first goes through a filter before becoming binding. If she is unmarried, her father has a chance to nullify the vow.

If a woman vows a vow to the Lord and binds herself by a pledge, while within her father's house in her youth, and her father hears of her vow and of her pledge by which she has bound herself and says nothing to her, then all her vows shall stand, and every pledge by which she has bound herself shall stand. But if her father opposes her on the day that he hears of it, no vow of hers, no pledge by which she has bound herself shall stand. And the Lord will forgive her, because her father opposed her.

Numbers 30:3-5

If the woman is married, this responsibility falls to her husband.

If she marries a husband, while under her vows or any thoughtless utterance of her lips by which she has bound herself, and her husband hears of it and says nothing to her on the day that he hears, then her vows shall stand, and her pledges by which she has bound herself shall stand. But if, on the day that her husband comes to hear of it, he opposes her, then he makes void her vow that was on her, and the thoughtless utterance of her lips by which she bound herself. And the Lord will forgive her.

Numbers 30:6-8

If the husband is silent, he establishes her word.

But if her husband says nothing to her from day to day, then he establishes all her vows or all her pledges that are upon her. He has established them, because he said nothing to her on the day that he heard of them. But if he makes them null and void after he has heard of them, then he shall bear her iniquity.

Numbers 30:14-15

What goes on in the house, what is spoken, is the responsibility of the husband. He does not get to make the excuse, “But my wife was the one who said that!” He established her word by remaining silent, by not confronting her. A husband does not get to seethe quietly and then hope everything goes away.

He confronts his wife, or he insists she follow through on her word. Either way may lead to conflict, and he should be prepared.

He does not get to say, later, like Adam, “But this woman that you gave me…”

This protection is a valuable gift a husband can provide for his wife. Either he can protect her from a foolish word, or he can prevent her from doing an equally foolish thing: not keeping her word. Confrontation now, or possible confrontation later? Hold the boundary now, or be prepared to hold it later?

Not getting this right has consequences for your entire household and for years to come. Apathy should never be an option.

Far worse consequences than missing a single year of camp. Of course, we still had a great week. We didn’t make our daughter sit in the corner and think about what she did. She already knew. The point was made. The punishment was accepted with grace. We did several fun things that week to communicate that she wasn’t a burden to us. Her soul was so important, in fact, that we were willing to change all of our plans to help protect it.

And she still hasn’t forgotten the lesson.

Most people aren’t going to cure cancer. They aren’t going to discover a new continent. They aren’t going to be an astronaut forging the way into a bold, new frontier. They won’t write the great American novel. They won’t even write a mediocre American novel.

There are still missionaries who go into dangerous parts of the world and risk their lives, but let’s be honest. Most people aren’t going to be doing that either.

For most people, the most important, consequential thing they will do with their lives is to have kids and raise them correctly. And yet, having children is the very thing that many people reject while at the same time complaining about meaningless lives.

They think children will hold them back when it’s really children that enlarge your heart and click extra gears into place. Some things get harder, but some things get easier, simply because you are forced to mature, and your muscles adapt to the new reality.

But really, how do you think children will hold you back? What part of your style will children cramp? How do you currently spend your copious amounts of free time?

• Watching TV

• Playing video games

• Scrolling on your phone

• Working longer hours for nobody in particular

• Hanging out with co-workers (fake friends) after work

• Sleeping in on Saturday mornings

You might cite traveling. While it’s true that traveling with children can be harder and more expensive, they can make that travel more meaningful.

What is the point of your traveling? You’ll make some nice memories, make less of an impact than the ant you accidentally stepped on in Italy, and then eventually take those memories to your grave. No one else cares about them. No one wants to see a slideshow of your trip. Even you won’t want to look at them very much after the initial high wears off.

It’s all vanity.

Unless, of course, your memories and pictures are also full of people you love. Unless they are also full of your children. The more people you share those memories with, the more valuable they are, the longer they remain vivid, and the more life they lend to your heart, because you shared them with pieces of your heart.

If you spend all of your free time volunteering at your church or at a homeless shelter or in some other service, you get a pass. But even then, that service would be so much more fun and meaningful with your children beside you. If you have such a heart and habit for service, you could pass it on to your kids and give those habits legs and longevity. How many more people could be helped over generations? How many lives could you touch, even while your body rots in the grave?

Having children and training up the next generation is the most important thing most people can do with their lives. There is no close second. It’s the clear winner, taking off its shoes and hitting the showers long before anything else has even finished the race. Even if they became a cancer-curing astronaut who writes the great American novel, their efforts would still come in a distant second place.

But here’s the good news.

Most people aren’t prepared for the joy that comes with raising children. They’ve been lied to about the costs and stress and sleepless nights and anxieties. Some of these things are real, but they are not the only real things. You must pull back the magnifying glass a bit and take in more of the horizon. You must take in the whole truth, not only the part.

And let me reiterate. You are not prepared for the joy that awaits you. I still get surprised.

Every time I come home from a trip, I walk in the door, set the luggage down, turn the corner, and my three kids are usually crammed together, trying to be the first to give me a hug. Our dog prances beside them, smacking them with his tail as they wait.

Coming home is always the best part of a trip.

Beyond that, it’s not true that kids will hold back a successful man. They’re more like rocket fuel to shoot them to new heights. It’s been well documented that, on average, men who are fathers make more than childless men, anywhere from 3% to 10%. Fathers also get a longevity bump and usually live longer.

Fatherhood looks good on most men.

And you will likely accomplish more as a father than you ever could as a childless man.

While there may have been good intentions behind the word “empathy,” today it has been weaponized by the immature. A family that values inclusiveness will always attempt to appease its most ornery members. Criticism is directed at those with strength, at those who stand up to those throwing a tantrum, instead of those screaming and stomping their feet.

Or, more recently, criticism is directed at the broader culture or society instead of at a woman who murdered her three children. It wasn’t her fault, you see. She felt sad and depressed sometimes. And I bet her husband wasn’t perfect either.

All in the name of empathy.

Those who are immature remain immature, and everyone else adapts around them.

It is a power tool in the hands of the overly sensitive. They hurl accusations, take a fall, and everyone scrambles to calm them down. Much like a toddler who cries to get attention from his mother. No one demands anything more, and so they have no reason to mature.

Another example is the labeling of words or certain opinions as “violence” or abuse. The labels imply damage. Words may hurt, but they do not cause damage. There is a big difference.

It is another way for the listener to not take responsibility for their own feelings. They hear the words, and they are helpless before them. They enter their ears, and they just can’t help themselves. It is always someone else’s fault. They have no capacity to self-regulate.

Their feelings are always more important than anything else going on. In fact, they expect you to treat their feelings about something as a concrete, relevant fact, no matter how off-topic or nonsensical those feelings might be. If you don’t treat them as sacrosanct, prepare for accusations and ad hominem attacks.

“Your cis-heteronormative views are bigoted.”

“That’s your white supremacy speaking.”

“You are ignoring her lived experience.”

Sometimes they literally throw a tantrum. Grown adults, yelling and crying and throwing things because they didn’t get their way.

Even the simple fact of 2+2=4 is not immune to these sensitivities.

If you are to be a leader, including the leader of your own family, you must refuse to be tyrannized by someone else’s sensitivities. They can disagree with your opinion. They may not hurl accusations. They may not make the topic about their feelings.

Feelings are not an opinion.

Empathy as Self-Righteousness

One day at the airport, while waiting for my flight to board, a small boy began throwing a long, slow tantrum. The airport was crowded. Standing room only in the terminal.

This boy would whine and scream and collapse on the floor. Then he would whine and yell and bang on the vending machine. Then he would collapse on the floor. Then he would throw his toy away in anger, and the father would go and pick it up.

This hapless father followed him around with a resigned grimace on his face. He would pick him up off the floor and then watch him do it again. Over and over. They walked in a constant circle.

This lasted, no joke, for at least 25 minutes. The macabre routine continued as I left the terminal to board the plane.

And this kid’s screams were the kind that entered your ear and bounced around a bit.

This fool of a father was practicing the modern version of empathy, encouraging his son to remain weak and immature. For what? What lies was he telling himself at that moment?

I don’t know.

But I do know this: both he and his son were miserable. And they were making everyone around them miserable. His passiveness or “niceness” might have been intended to keep the peace, but there was no peace.

Here is a true empathy: looking at your son when he is throwing the same fit at 28 years old. You see the pain and foolishness of his life…and so you spank them now to spare them that future pain.

He will be sad for a minute, but the bitter taste of that medicine will fade quickly.

Sure, you won’t get to brag about “never lifting a hand” to your child. You won’t have that self-righteous fact to hang over everyone else’s head to make them feel guilty, to puff yourself up.

But you were not tyrannized by their sensibilities, and as a result, your family will be better off in the long run.

For more information, I recommend A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix.

Marriage is not choosing your wife. It's choosing your wife every day.

By marrying your wife, you made an active choice. But you must keep making that same active choice every day for the rest of your life (or your spouse’s life).

If you live in a loveless marriage, it doesn’t matter that you chose your wife on your wedding day. You are not choosing her now.

If you let your eyes wander to other women, it doesn’t matter that you chose your wife on your wedding day. You are not choosing her now.

And if you follow the forbidden woman, it doesn’t matter that you chose your wife on your wedding day. You are not choosing her now.

As a man gets older and more accomplished, as he takes on more responsibility, he will get more attractive (to a point). Other women notice. Your wife certainly notices. Your prospects with other women often increase. Some men hit their prime in their mid-30s, and that’s usually after they’ve been married for a little while.

Yet your wife chose you before you gained all of this attractiveness. She chose you based on your potential. She chose you based on faith. Do you think she looked at you in your 20s, when you were still all zeal with minimal wisdom, and thought, “I hope he stays exactly the same, and never grows in strength and maturity”? She expected you to get better as you both grew older.

But as she gets older, her prospects will diminish. Unless the woman is drunk on the Eat, Pray, Love mentality, consuming a daily dose of divorce glorification from TikTok, she knows the truth. Unless you’re a complete loser, her “marrying up” would be like winning the lottery.

So, if you are not actively choosing her every day, she is rational in feeling a bit insecure. Men leave the wives of their youth for younger models all of the time. It’s a cliché. And while you might be quick to point out that “Women file for 70% of divorces!”, that’s just a number that doesn’t tell the whole story, and even if it did, there is still that pesky 30% remaining. Your responsibility as a husband remains the same.

Your wife wants you to get more attractive. That’s what she expected when she married you all those years ago. She wants other women to see how attractive you are. She wants to brag about the husband she chose.

It validates her choice. It validates the faith she put in you.

What your wife wants is for you to have lots of other options…and then choose her, no matter what. To choose her every day. To come home every day. To love her and cherish her, words still included in many vows. To desire her and listen to her as she rambles. To keep your word and maintain your frame, even when you told her “no.” Especially when you have told her no.

She chose you when you were still a boy.

Choose her after you have become a man.

Whenever you ask your kids a question, whenever you try to get them to open up, there are two dreaded responses:

• Silence

• “I don’t know.”

When this keeps happening, first check that you aren’t asking boring questions. Or that you are asking questions that deserve to be asked. They need to be worth the effort and breath you expend.

You don’t ask a high school class what color the sky is and expect anyone to raise their hand. They all know the answer. The question is just pointless.

“How was your day?” is the classic question that usually gets a simple “fine” in response. It’s too vague. There’s nothing concrete to grab onto. Even adults usually answer this question with a monosyllable.

Sometimes, kids just need a primer. They might be timid because they don’t want to get the answer wrong. Or they don’t want to look stupid. Some kids might have answered something wrong in the past because they misunderstood the question, or they are silent because last time, someone giggled. You may have shrugged it off and moved on, but kids can remember that moment for months.

There are two ways to get better answers, as a parent or as a teacher. Both can be fun.

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And worse, you’ll attribute your unpopularity to your imagined greatness instead of your very real pride. You don’t hate small talk. That’s just an excuse you make for your lack of effort and lack of interest in other people.

A man knows how to talk to people. He knows how to make them feel valued and interesting. It is no virtue to be unable to relate to your fellow men.

To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some.

1 Corinthians 9:20-22

That verse is about sharing the gospel, but the principle still applies. The point is not to be a chameleon, but to understand other people enough so you can establish common ground.

That means knowing a little about “sportsball,” especially when the season is at its peak.

That means knowing a little about video games. It’s the largest entertainment market on the planet, far surpassing Hollywood years ago. No excuses.

That means knowing a little about the latest television shows and movies. Even the never-ending shows about Chicago on CBS that get monster ratings but no one under 60 seems to know much about.

You don’t have to do research like a nerd. Ideally (and this is key), you’re learning this from other people. They mention something, and instead of sneering because you’ve heard it’s slop or have never heard of it yourself, you perk your ears up and ask questions. You act interested. You mimic their enthusiasm.

That means being curious. About the world around you. About the person in front of you. If you don’t know, ask. If you don’t care, get good at pretending to care while you pull the enormous stick out of your ass. Believe it or not, interested people become interesting people.

You should be able to find common ground with anybody. You’re both human, after all.

What does this have to do with Unicorns?

In The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis, there is a beautiful scene where Jewel, a unicorn, is stuck spending time with a donkey. In Lewis’ world, this Unicorn has seen many battles and is a good friend to the king, yet he is not aloof.

Jewel, being a Unicorn and therefore one of the noblest and most delicate of beasts, had been very kind to [the donkey], talking to him about things of the sort they could both understand like grass and sugar and the care of one’s hoofs.

Being unable to strike up a conversation and be comfortable around people you think are beneath you is not sophistication. It is barbarism wrapped in faux civility.

True nobility is like the Unicorn: it comes down and makes common ground, and does it so effortlessly that the donkey doesn’t notice. You see this in Jane Austen’s novels as well, where the nobility knows how to chat with the basest of peasants. In Emma, Mr. Knightly seems to spend a large portion of his time talking to people of lower classes and engaging them in conversation, even if they are insufferable.

Being able to talk to anyone is an aristocratic virtue. If you think that virtue is beneath you, you might be a poorly disguised misanthrope.

You have something in common with every human being on the planet.

So act like it.

Marriage is work but it is good, satisfying work. The type of work is summarized in the title given to the man: husband. It comes from the world of animal husbandry and household management.

You are called to shepherd your wife. You are the leader. You are the protector. This will look different depending on the type of woman you marry. So if you are looking for a wife, keep this in mind. If you are already married, start paying more attention to the woman to whom you made vows.

Is the woman brash and outspoken? Your primary work will be to help her cultivate a gentle, quiet spirit.

Is the woman timid and complacent? Your primary work will be to pull her out of her shell and nurture the habit of hospitality.

Is she someone who doesn’t pay much attention to money? Your primary work will be to help her instill some financial discipline.

Is she a bombshell who knows it and loves showing off? Your primary work will be to inculcate humility and modesty.

Or it might be some combination of all of these. Or something else entirely. It takes wisdom to discern your work.

As you look for a wife (or as you start taking your current husbandly responsibilities seriously), take off your rose-colored glasses and really pay attention. The early days of heady romance can blind you to reality, and while the ride will be exciting, you’ll have to pay for the ticket eventually. At least, if you want to be faithful to your vows.

Here’s the important thing to keep in mind: you’re not perfect either. Have some humility. But it is not your wife’s responsibility to make you a better person. That’s your responsibility, too. It’s not fair, but that’s how it is. Starting with yourself is the way to go, ideally before the marriage, so you lead from a position of strength.

As you do the work of marriage, your job is not to be a hypocrite. Before you guide your wife down a path, make sure you have cleared that path first. You can’t teach financial discipline, for example, if you don’t have financial discipline. A man who buys whatever he wants regardless of the consequences, yet locks down his wife’s allowance to a paltry sum, is a despot suited for the third world, not a loving home.

And so as you look for a wife, you must always be looking at your own shortcomings. Your future wife should complement you. She should be strong where you are weak. Together, you two should be able to accomplish much more than if you were apart. If you are already married, pay attention to where you need to pick up the slack and encourage your wife in her strengths.

“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.” – Proverbs 31:10

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” – Proverbs 18:22

And always remember, as you embark on this important work, this verse:

Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life.

1 Peter 3:7

If you have many sons but only one daughter, you can inadvertently cause her to beg for your attention. If she wasn’t your first child, this is a bigger danger, because you never learned to relate to her on her own, and all of your experience thus far has been mediated through your boys. Without knowing it, you could be emotionally neglecting her.

Even if an accident, you are responsible.

You are a father. You don’t get to coast along taking the path of least resistance. You must be intentional.

It’s often easier to relate to and play with your sons. You wrestle. You play football or other sports. You take them hunting. You do other boy things. All well and good. You should do those things and continue to do them.

But your daughter will want that same attention. She will want to join in.

Not because she necessarily wants to do those things, but because she wants your attention. If you are not careful, you can validate this call for attention by going along with the easy route: letting her play like she is one of the boys.

But you don’t want your daughter to be just another one of the boys. You want her to be a girl. Establishing these distinctions early on is important, especially in the current cultural climate that encourages children to mutilate themselves if they start to feel a little confused about some things. The world is hard enough for a girl to navigate without her father giving bad directions.

Don’t start relating to your daughter as if she is one of your sons. This can lead to resentment and insecurity. Be intentional about relating to her as your daughter.

How do you do this?

Live with her in an understanding manner. Be interested in her hobbies. Encourage her in feminine pursuits (praise her cookies, for example). When she talks, listen intently with no distractions. Show her plenty of affection.

Take her to lunch. Take her for walks. Encourage her to look to her mother for more activities, but you should still participate as much as possible.

Be prepared for late-night talks, because she’s spent the whole day building up the courage to ask you a question and bedtime is her last chance. I’ve lost count of how many hour-long conversations began at 10:30 at night, when I’m telling her goodnight and am about 5 seconds away from turning off the light. Some of them deep. Most of them personal. Expect this as she grows older and enters the teenage years. Lean in.

Don’t reward her forays into the masculine. But don’t make her beg for your attention by making forays into the masculine. If pretending to be a boy is the only way to get any positive attention from you, then she will pretend to be a boy.

Love her for who she is. Not for who she thinks you want her to be.

If you do this right, you’ll be amazed at how much she blossoms. A daughter’s confidence comes largely from her father and how secure she feels in that relationship. Don’t make her guess.

Do not listen to those who quote sixty-year-old sociological studies and ignore 2,000-year-old wisdom. The former studies have an agenda and they replicate about as well as a coin toss. Their job is not to inform nor to make you a better parent. Their job is to give you a sense of superiority while you abdicate your responsibility.

Yes, you should spank your children. And yes, you should do it with a clean conscience. Spanking is not “hitting,” and those who conflate the two, especially if they make a big deal about not spanking, are trying to cover up their own guilt.

How Often to Spank

A lot of the time, people who bring up spanking picture a reign of terror where you are constantly swatting kids on the bottom and constantly nursing a sore hand.

But if you spank right, spanking will be rare. Sure, there are times when it might not seem that way or you need to go on a “reign of terror.” And every child is different. You may go weeks or months before you need to spank.

Most of a child’s spankings will come before they are 5 years old. If you are faithful in this short timeframe, one that will pass faster than you realize, then the rest of your parenting job will be much easier and much more enjoyable. It also results in a happier, guilt-free child.

Spankings are there because you can’t argue with a toddler. And if you tried to calmly explain things they wouldn’t understand or internalize most of it. But toddlers understand pain. Very clearly. It is much more humane to give them a quick spanking than subject them to emotional manipulation in the form of long lectures and guilt trips.

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Yes, the Rod Can Be Used for Striking

Whenever “the rod” is brought up in the context of the Bible, people are quick to point out that the intended context is a shepherd’s rod and that it was strictly meant for guiding and protection.

But let’s look at the verses.

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs 13:24

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Proverbs 22:15

The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.

Proverbs 29:15

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.

Proverbs 23:13-14

The last one is explicit and leaves no room for doubt.

The goal of the rod is to inflict temporary pain with no damage. Very, very temporary pain. You will not ruin your children. They will not die.

But it is a matter of life and death. If you do not discipline them now, the world will discipline them later, and the world has no mercy.

Spanking in the proper context is an act of love for the child, an act of love for that child’s siblings, and an act of love for anyone who interacts with that child in the future.

Know Their Frame

All that being said, know their frame. They are but dust.

And as they get older, it’s ok to give them second chances. Tell them to step back and try again and get it right this time. If you know they are acting out because they are hungry, show some mercy and get them something to eat. Or if you know they are tired, just send them to bed.

Though not all of the time. They also need to know it’s not okay to act like a brat, even if they don’t feel good. Exercise wisdom and do not provoke them to wrath.

Spanking is Humane and Efficient

The revolt against spanking is another symptom of our sentimentality and false righteousness. A single spanking can save hours of lectures and guilt trips. Ask a kid what he would rather have: a single spanking or being grounded for a week from something he loves.

The same principle can be seen in our criminal justice system, writ large and cranked up to eleven. In the name of being humane, we are inhumane. Ask any inmate whether they would rather get ten lashes or ten more years in prison and see which he would prefer.

Only Spank in the Context of Love

Whenever you exercise discipline, you are writing a check. Don’t find yourself writing checks with no money in the bank. You put money in the bank with time, attention, and affection.

If the only time your kids get any attention from you is when you are disciplining them, they will get a perverse view of fatherhood and discipline. They will either see you as a tyrant and eventually rebel or think of themselves as unworthy of affection. Or both.

Your children should understand delegated authority. If you homeschool, you might have to be more intentional about teaching them this concept.

As the norm, they should obey their teachers. But you should help them understand why they need to obey their teachers, and in this case, “because I said so” is actually a legitimate reason.

In fact, it is the reason.

As the father, you are responsible for your children’s education. As you attempt to manage this responsibility, you may decide to delegate part of it to others. Teachers would fall under this umbrella. And yes, this also means public school teachers.

A teacher’s authority derives from your authority. Despite what the teacher’s union or local school board may insinuate, teaching your children is your business, and teachers are not free agents. They are agents of the father. When they think they are agents of the state, which they predominantly do, since that is where their paychecks come from, priorities get scrambled. You get bizarre inversions where teachers, who think their authority derives from their “expertise” or some such nonsense, claim that education is no business of the parents.

And because teachers are agents of the father, your children should obey their teachers and listen to them. You have ordained their teachers with some of your authority, and so they should listen to their teachers as if they were listening to the words of their father.

There are exceptions, of course. Delegated authority is never perfect. The stream gets thin in one place, it rushes with rapids in another, and somewhere a family of beavers has built a dam. Fathers and teachers are human. Flawed.

Delegated authority is also limited. A teacher tasked with teaching a child English grammar should not take it upon herself to teach her students how to shoot a gun. Nor is it her business to teach them about sexual morality and polycules.

But the default assumption should be one of deference and obedience.

After all, your own authority as a father is delegated as well. It is not innate but flows from the Father. Delegated authority is built into the foundation of the world. Therefore, to navigate the world properly, your children should understand the concept. They should practice it.

This means that to be a responsible father, you and their mother cannot be their only teachers. Some options, if you homeschool:

• Music lessons (piano, guitar, etc.)

• Bible class at church

• Martial arts

• Organized sports

• Art classes

• Co-ops where other parents teach certain subjects

If there is a problem, your children should feel comfortable appealing to a higher authority. You, for starters. But if you have delegated authority, you should be prepared to give that authority the benefit of the doubt and always listen to the other side of the story.

The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

Proverbs 18:17

Your job is to discern the truth, not make excuses for your children.

“Well, Sarah is very special…”

“My little Johny would never do that…”

Children learn quickly how to play their parents off of each other if there is not a united front, and the same is true for teachers and parents. Don’t be naive.

And because you should give your children’s teachers the benefit of the doubt, you should be very careful when putting them under the authority of those teachers. Do your due diligence. Don’t choose the default just because it’s easy.

A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, but the sinner’s wealth is laid up for the righteous.

Proverbs 13:22

It is not enough to think about the future of your children. If you are not at least thinking about what you will leave your grandchildren, you are not thinking long-term enough.

Why the focus on grandchildren?

Because traditions must be passed on. The perpetuation of a culture doesn’t just happen by accident.

Creating a good life for your children isn’t enough. If the good life ends at that generation, you have failed. Great fathers create great fathers, and you must forge your sons in a way that they will, in turn, forge strong sons.

You don’t control every outcome, of course, but you can set up habits and systems and expectations that make it more likely your children, and their children after them, will have a good inheritance. Focusing on grandchildren now, even before you have them, helps clarify this purpose.

Once the kids are out of the house and have started creating lives of their own, you don’t get to sit back and wash your hands of the situation. There is still work to do. That is, if you consider yourself a patriarch.

Sure, you can start enjoying some of the fruits of your labor, but you still need to reinvest in your family.

Now that you are old and wiser (hopefully), you are better equipped to mentor younger kids. You have additional gravitas. Your grandchildren will benefit greatly from your involvement.

Your own legacy depends upon it.

It is a poor legacy indeed that only lasts a single generation. Families are trees, with each branch being supported by the limb that came before it. Would you be the weak limb that can’t support more than a single branch?

Aim to leave an inheritance for your grandchildren and you’ll cover the needs of your children just fine. This means you want them to be wise enough to use your inheritance. So plan to invest in them before they even exist.

How do you do this?

• Stay married.

• Stay out of credit card debt.

• Don’t blow most of your money on vacations and luxuries. Build generational wealth. Don’t force your descendants to start from zero.

• Try your best to live close to your progeny. That means you need to have a good relationship with them.

• Plan to offer help, but without being pushy. Let them know days and times you’re available to help out with the grandchildren.

• Don’t wait until you are dead to distribute money and resources. Take advantage of tax-advantaged accounts and the gift exclusion as much as possible. If you wait until you are dead, your children will get far, far less.

Think long-term, and you get more clarity on the short-term.

There should be a reward for whining, and it should be consistently distributed every time one of your kids begins with the martyr routine. What is that reward?

More of what they are whining about.

Are they whining about a chore they have to do? They get another chore they have to do immediately after.

Are they whining about schoolwork? They just earned another 15 minutes of Math worksheets.

Are they whining about having to stop playing video games? They don’t get to play video games at all tomorrow. Do they whine about that? Make it a week. Casually up the ante, remaining calm and business-like until they get the message.

Whining should never be accommodated. Ever. You don’t negotiate with terrorists. Remember, you get more of what you subsidize. Always.

Just imagine your child at 25 years old, whining about the same things, making the same complaints in that self-pitying voice. It’s ugly, isn’t it? So don’t let them get away with it now. Do them the favor of excising that habit from their lives early. Better they are disciplined by someone who loves them now than awkwardly ignored, ridiculed, and avoided when they are older because their squeaky wheel won’t stop.

But you should also check how you are contributing to their whining. They are probably just mimicking you. You are probably a little more sophisticated at it, with a more even tone, less stomping of the feet, bigger words that conceal instead of reveal, but it is whining nonetheless.

Do you complain about your boss at the dinner table?

Do you complain about the weather after you mowed the lawn?

Do you complain about the elders at your church?

When something is slightly wrong at a restaurant, do you complain and “talk to the manager” until you get your way?

Most adults are serial whiners, so it’s not a surprise that their children learn the same habits of discontentment.

So stop whining yourself. Don’t reward it in yourself. Don’t indulge in it.

And then never reward it when your children do it.

A friend took his 14-year-old daughter to a school event, during which he made a joke he thought was hilarious, as fathers often do. Later, he thought he might have embarrassed her, so he apologized.

“I thought it was funny, but I didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your friends. Sorry about that.”

Her response: “Dad, I don’t care what my friends think about you. I care what you think about my friends.”

A lot of stuff is wrapped up in that one statement, like trust, love, and loyalty, but it proves he’s done something right. It also proves that having rebellious teenagers is not an inevitability. It’s not something that just “happens” like the rising of the sun.

However, the investment you made in your children becomes the most obvious in their teenage years. Will your investment yield a return? You will reap a harvest. Will it be one of wheat and fruit or one of tares and weeds? Will you be able to say to your children, “Do what you want,” and expect they will make the right choices?

How do you avoid the rebellious teenage years?

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The word economics spreads a wide umbrella over many concepts. Scarcity and choice, production and distribution of resources, and more.

The origin of the word, however, betrays how much we have lost.

It comes from two Greek words.

• Eco – home

• Nomos – accounts

It had to do with household management and keeping accounts of all the productive work that happened within a household. The word we use to refer to all the productive work of a society originally referred to the management of all of the productive work of a household.

How far our households have fallen.

The word “economics” now needs the qualifier of “home” to have any semblance of its original source, despite having the meaning of “home” in the word itself!

Modern households have become places of personal fulfillment and entertainment, centers where people stare at the TV together and rest from the “real,” actual work that needs to get done. But even that is generous. The average person spends almost 4 hours per day watching TV, but not even all of that time is necessarily spent together. Our devices have fractured us further.

But households used to be the core productive unit of society.

If you wish to build a lasting legacy for your family, you must commit to giving your household a mission.

It must be productive.

Your entire family must contribute in some way to this productivity.

It must make “Home Economics” redundant. The wife’s role becomes more critical in this paradigm.

The modern makeup of our industrialized society makes it difficult to focus our households on productivity. But since when has difficulty been a disqualifier for doing the right thing?

It won’t look like households from the ancient world. It certainly won’t look like the strange limbo of the 1950s. We won’t be able to unplug completely. A push and pull exists between new technological and social realities and more traditional desires. You must live in reality, not your imagined utopia.

Many who now live more traditional lives in the modern world can only do so because of remote work. The internet makes it possible. Still admirable, but do not let the social media mirage dazzle your eyes. Very few people are raising large families with nothing but a small, self-sustaining farm or homestead.

But you can do more. You can form the types of familial bonds that can only be formed in the grind of working toward a common purpose. Expand your imagination beyond what is traditionally seen as “trad.” Opportunities abound. To do anything less is irresponsible.

I’ll end with another quick study of words.

Go back far enough, and dominion and domestic have the same root word. The idea of domain, house, and the right to rule. The work done inside the home feeds into the overall mission of a man. Women filling their homes with beauty, taming some of the residual chaos, is just as important as men conquering that space to begin with.

Envy is a powerful emotion.

And it is a form of relational acid. If not kept in check, it will destroy relationships.

A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

Proverbs 14:30

It can also twist a person’s affections beyond recognition, making them chase things they don’t even care about.

Here’s a story from my own kids.

We have a dog. My kids are responsible for picking up all of the dog poop from the backyard. This is the main way they contribute to taking care of the family pet.

It’s not their favorite job.

They would rather not do it.

But sometimes they still fight over who gets to use the scooper and who has to hold the bag.

One time, the two youngest had gotten outside quickly and had started the chore. My daughter went out and came back in, visibly upset.

“They won’t let me use the scooper, and they won’t let me use the bag!”

5 minutes ago, she didn’t want to do it. Now, she was upset that someone else was doing it.

“Well,” I said. “Are you desperate to pick up the poop? Is it something you really, really want to do?”

“….no.”

“So stop complaining and instead tell them ‘thank you’ for doing the job.”

Envy makes us desire something just because someone else is doing it or someone else possesses it. It doesn’t matter whether you actually desired it or not. Envy will twist your desires.

And to fulfill your twisted desires, you’ll damage relationships and then feel hollow at the end of it. You’ll wonder why you even started chasing it in the first place.

Killing envy is related to forging sibling bonds. I’ll quote the “kill envy” description as it still applies.

When something good happens to one of them, it should be treated as if it is good for the whole family. “Rejoice when others rejoice” should be one of your anthems and guiding principles.

When a member of the team wins, the whole team wins.

This can be a problem with boys, in particular. Brotherly strife has been a problem since Cain and Abel, so be sure and sniff out any envy and kill it.

Model this for them. Celebrate accomplishments at the dinner table. If there is a consequent reward, like ice cream, let the other siblings partake and enjoy as well.

Do not make comparisons. Do not say that one should be like the other. “Why don’t you eat all of your vegetables, like Bobby?”

This will drive them to differentiate themselves more in the opposite direction, in possibly destructive ways, just so they maintain their own identity. And it gives them permission to resent their sibling.

Instead, praise what is good. The others will catch on.

Expanding on that, here are three more things to focus on:

1. Recognize it in yourself and kill it – if you don’t kill it in yourself first, you will be hesitant to discipline it in others.

2. Recognize it at work in your kids and guide them through it – help them recognize it and how dangerous it is. Guide them toward healthier outlets.

3. Do not tolerate ingratitude – it is the soil where envy grows. Do not let complaining go unchecked.

Keep envy in check, and your family will help give life to your flesh.

Many fathers have a learned helplessness when it comes to the behavior of their children. They have resigned themselves to a losing battle and fight from a constant rearguard position, always in retreat, always fearful of a negative reaction. The child knows the song and dance and knows that, in the end, he will get his way. Every time.

The father might think that nothing works anyway, so why fight? Why make a scene?

Many people become gentle parents at this point, because it’s easier to pretend their abdication is intentional rather than from despair and exhaustion. They can keep their pride intact. But the child, though he gets what he wants (on the surface), feels abandoned and unloved.

“There are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”

Oscar Wilde

The quote rings true because most people want the wrong things, and so the wanting is better than the having. And so it is with the child. Externally, he often wants the wrong things. But in reality, he is begging for boundaries and positive attention, and not getting those is a true tragedy.

Here are some of the biggest mistakes fathers make early in a child’s life. Each one compounds and conspires to create brats and seemingly helpless parents.

Discipline Doesn’t Start Early Enough

Discipline should start early in a child’s life, from the moment they can move around on their own power. They need boundaries, and they need loving parents to enforce those boundaries. Sometimes, literal boundaries.

Crawling introduces all sorts of opportunities to practice, while associating enforcement with the word “no.” If a child reaches for an outlet, for example, smack the hand and say “no” in a deep voice. Then redirect. You can always follow up with snuggles and tickles.

Discipline Is Only Done In Anger

The father spanks only when furious, when his patience has been worn thin, and not when it's warranted. The child learns that dad's anger is the real authority, not the rule itself. Discipline becomes unpredictable, and unpredictable discipline is cruel.

You know the scene. You’ve seen it or played your part in it several times.

“Stop throwing the ball in the house.”

Throws ball.

“I said stop throwing the ball in the house!”

Throws ball some more.

“What did I tell you? Stop throwing the ball!”

Throws ball, this time knocking over a lamp and breaking it.

“WHAT DID I SAY!” The father, now enraged, spanks the child in anger, at risk of actually harming him. What lesson is learned? Don’t make Dad angry. Tiptoe around him. Be careful. Disobey, but hide it.

But if the father had disciplined after the first infraction, the child would have learned the proper lesson, which leads into the next one.

They Give Commands They Aren’t Prepared To Enforce

Every unenforced command teaches your child that your words are optional. Give fewer direct commands. Mean every single word. If you give a command, be prepared to enforce it if they don’t obey. Immediately.

Demanding this of yourself means you should measure your words carefully. Don’t toss them around. They should have power. Don’t unload a long list of commands all at once and expect perfect obedience. The child might not remember them all, and you might not either. Even if the child wants to obey, you have set them up for failure.

Let’s go with a classic one every parent has probably struggled with. “Put your shoes on, it’s time to go.”

Ten minutes later, the shoes still aren’t on. Maybe you have stated the command at least 3 other times. The child learns that you only mean something if you say it at least three times.

Say it once. If after 30 seconds, the shoes are not on, or they are not in the act of putting them on, discipline. That could mean a spanking, or it could mean grounding them from whatever they were playing with at the time.

There’s another tragic flip side to this. If your children know that you don’t actually mean your commands, they will treat all of your other words with the same weight. Your promises will mean nothing. Your declarations of love are as light as feathers. They know you don’t mean what you say, because you have proved it to them over and over.

They Wait Too Long Between the Offense and the Consequence

A toddler cannot connect a punishment five minutes later to what he did five minutes ago. You have seconds. Anything more creates confusion. Early on, you must be prepared to enforce every single command and to enforce it immediately. Do not leave any room for confusion.

Don’t toss a command behind your shoulder while you’re driving, unless you are prepared to pull over, stop the car, and get out. If you wait until you arrive at your destination 10 minutes later, the moment is lost.

As children get older, connecting offense and consequence becomes much easier because you can reason with them. But by that point, they have been trained. It’s not an everyday occurrence, and your lecture is more of a reinforcement of something already known deep in their bones rather than a necessity.

The Only Attention They Give is Negative Attention

A child demands attention, and if disobedience is the only time a father pays attention to him, a child will learn ways to get that attention. Hugs, kisses, laughter, playtime, conversations both shallow and deep. Saturate your child with love and attention. He will let you know if he needs more of it. Fill up the bank.

Every moment of discipline should come from this context of love, where they know, deep down, that you want them close. Discipline is a temporary interruption for their own good, and not a permanent state of disfellowship.

Want an easy place to start? Reading out loud to them every night is a great way to give regular, focused attention.

I’ve also written several books that are great for this purpose.

It’s Not Too Late

The good news is that children respond very quickly to new patterns of discipline. It’s not too late. You are not helpless. Stand firm a few times, consistently, and your children will start learning the new reality. And though more difficult, even neglected teenagers can respond to a father taking more responsibility.

The battle is worth it. No less than the souls of your children are at stake.